Passages
by Valma
Summary: A look at Lee Adama's personal log diaries. Based on the new BSG series and the mini series. (Caution: spoilers will be included).


Passages

By Valma

Chapter 1: Spoiling for a Fight

Stood up, the strongest and the fiercest spirit  
That fought in heaven, now fiercer by despair.  
-John Milton, Paradise Lost (Bk. II, l. 44)

Personal Log Entry: Lee Adama

Today I am heading out to meet up with my father's ship the Galactica. Really – really don't want this assignment, but nothing can be done to change that now. I was told to report there for the decommissioning ceremony – so I will report. Period. It's my duty and I might as well get this over and done with.

Mom said that it will do me good, says that it is a way to show my father respect and even with all that has gone on between the two of us, I still should show him some consideration – "He **is** your father, Lee." I think was the way she put it.

Yeah, right!

She says that the last time the two of them talked, Dad had mellowed and I should let bygones be bygones – time to move past the pain.

I know it's been two years since Zac… in some ways it seems like it was yesterday he died and in other ways it seems like a million years have dragged by. I just… can't… even for mom.

But then she always was the forgiving one of the family.

And in a way it is kind of easier for her – now that she has Marc in her life.

He's a good man and I know he will care for her… better than my father, the mighty Commander Adama, did. Mom told me, just before I left, that Marc had asked her to marry him. That's good – she needs someone. We all do, I guess.

I heard that Kara has been on the Galactica, with Dad – it will be kind of good to touch base with her again.

I miss her.

Of course she's the apple of Dad's eye. He always did admire perfection – and if there is a perfect pilot, it's Kara Thrace.

Perfect – except when it comes to keeping her big yap shut. Man, I never saw someone so inclined to get herself into trouble. I know… I'm one to talk – I've been in my share of scraps in my days at school, but with Kara it is almost self-destructive. She could have made Captain by now, just like me, but she can't control those lips – and her fists. I wonder if Zac would have made a difference if he had lived long enough…

Anyway, I'm sure having Dad on her side didn't do any harm – he always did like to use his influence, apply just the right amount of strategic pressure in the right places to show he had the authoritative muscle to do so – just to feed his ego if you ask me. That way people would be more than willing to be indebted and loyal to him for the rest of their lives.

If only he had just left Zac alone.

But I can't go there, not now – got to clear my head and get ready to face the old man.

That's going to take all the strength I have. My stomach is already in a thousand knots.

Why? Why do I let him do this to me?

I've made it without his "help" – I've worked hard to get where I am – on my own. I wanted to show him that I could do it without him. And I did – he wasn't even on hand when I made Captain. That was fine with me! Mom was there and she was so proud… that was enough. I don't need a whole parade of adoring sycophants massaging my self-image! Mom cares about me, and I think Marc likes me well enough… and if Kara was around she'd support me... and Zac would, if he were here, too…

And besides, I've got my rank and a place in the Fleet – although lately I have thought about… about leaving.

I haven't told anyone yet – not even Mom. I don't really know if I actually want to get out – I just would like to keep my options open. I love flying and the military life isn't all that rough, even if it can be quite lonely – it's just, sometimes… sometimes I find myself wanting – wanting more out of life.

Does that make me a quitter? I can just hear Dad, shaking his head, saying in that gravelly, disapproving voice "Why Lee? Is **nothing** ever good enough for you? Do you really want to throw it all away? I expected better from you."

Frak! There I go again – trying to pass the "Commander Adama Test" even before I know what I'm going to do!

Well, it doesn't matter now anyway – that's my transport at the door to take me to the base, so I gotta go.

Once I'm up and in space, I figure out the approach I'll take when I get to Galactica. There is something about being up in silence of the cosmos that helps me think – I'll be ready… ready for him by the time I land on that old battlestar.

I'll just play it cool and proper, don't want to get too rattled – don't want anything getting back to Mom about how I caused a scene.

But if he thinks he's going to get a "big warm and wet one" when we get together for photo ops, he's got another thing coming – it's too late to play "father and son" as far as I am concerned – about two years too late!

Signing off: Apollo

To Be Continued…


End file.
